My head is exploding

“If you have just come to the understanding that your parent has the narcissistic personality disorder (or both have it), please start looking for ways to heal.

You are worth it. You deserve to be loved, to be happy, to find peace, to be the person that you were created to be.

You deserve a good life filled with love, peace, and healthy relationships.”


In the past year I’ve been getting in touch with my anxiety.  It’s been very helpful and I’ve had many revelations as to how I can continue my personal growth.

And now begins the exploration of my upbringing – and the narcissism it was marked by.

Growing up is fun.  I like no longer being bound by what kept me down for so long.  I still have some chains wrapped around my psyche, but at least I see them now and am working on breaking them.



  1. personality disorders…are a strange concept to me. categorizing people’s traits and coping mechanisms. an attempt to ‘make sense’ of others. can be useful, but it’s a very western-psychological way of looking at things.
    i think our upbringings (our parents coming from where they come from) were marked by all kinds of layers of trauma. traumas that our parents never dealt with, and impacted the way they related (and continue to relate) to people around them.
    narcissism sounds like a lot of blame to me, rather than really understanding why a person developed these coping skills. i’d like to think that beyond being narcissists, your parents (and mine), are just one of the many people that ended up having kids before they were able to process/resolve/move on from their traumas.

    so, here’s to growing up! i agree with you it’s fun, a lot better than being a child. now doesn’t that say a lot about my childhood 🙂

    1. I spent a lot of time being angry and wishing that my upbringing had been different. I don’t want to be angry anymore and I don’t want to blame, but I yearn so much still to understand more and to rise above my own sets of trauma.
      I also spent a lot of time trying to find a balance between seeing my father as a victim of his own upbringing, and seeing him as an adult with accountability.
      I don’t want to blame him or anyone else anymore, but these labels and what others have done to process having grown up with people who fit these labels is a great help to me.
      I agree with you that it’s very western in thought, and that these personality disorders and psychological theories (including attachment theory) have so many more layers – socioeconomic layers, racial/ethnic layers, class and so on.
      But I guess these labels and theories for me – for now – are helpful in helping me understand that the way I see the world and the way I was brought up to see the world is not something to be taken for granted.

      Exploring this at this point in my life – and hopefully for the rest of my life – is very exciting.

  2. I agree once you become an adult you cannot blame your actions or behaviors on the way you were raised. No matter how I try to heal and let stuff go I can find the anger very easily. My mother did not stop her behaviors once I grew up. She lives 5 minutes away and attempts to manipulate everyday. I agree there had to be something that sparked her personality. I’m tired of trying to get something from her she is unable to give.

    1. Years ago I was in a therapy session, talking about the trauma my father had gone through. I was trying to not be mad at him anymore for the way he treated his family. But I was having a hard time trying to accept his childhood trauma with my own childhood trauma. The therapist told me, “Just because your father was not able to give you what you needed, doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it.” Those words have stuck with me since – his own trauma is valid, but so is my own.
      He was not able to give me what I needed and never will. As I learned to accept that, knowing that I still deserved to feel secure and loved has been helpful.
      It’s a long journey – trying to figure out what was abuse and what wasn’t. What was truth and what was manipulation. I’m sending you a big hug, wecallhermommy. Know that you are not alone.

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